Holly vs.the Real World

Yet again I find myself awake at far too late an hour (despite having gotten up at 5am today), and I am filling time by writing in this livejournal. I like this blog and I always forget about it, but I really enjoy writing entries whenever I remember.

Hahahah I love the Daily Show and the Colbert Report--its worth staying up this late! Ok I am really bored now and have nothing to say. I'm just typing to fill up the commercial breaks. Oh wait, back on!

Ok I totally slacked and didn't write anything for a few commmercials--now its time to get to bed. This is a completely pointless and content-free entry, but I am going to post it anyway!

Ok, so its been a while since I’ve seen a bad movie—I mean a really bad movie. So bad that I feel the need to tell everyone how bad it was.

Have you seen ‘Wanted’ starring James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie? If not, don’t bother. I have summed up the plot below:

Hi I’m James McAvoy. I get really stressed and then I see things in really slow motion. I work at a crappy job and am going nowhere in life, until Angelina Jolie shows up and saves me from getting shot in a convenience store.

Then I get brought to this factory where Morgan Freeman deciphers messages in binary code that are hidden in the fabric woven by the Loom of Destiny. The textiles tell the Fraternity who to kill, and they don’t at all question the reliability of this method. Then they tell me that my father was an assassin too, and he also got really stressed and saw things in slow motion too. But he got shot the other day, and now I have to go avenge his death by tracking down his killer.

Oh, by the way, I totally accept the Fraternity and don’t have any sort of emotional turmoil about accepting my destiny. Five minutes later I have become a full fledged assassin, after my training that involves getting beat up and then put in a bath of wax.

So then I go kill my father’s killer, but then belatedly learn that he is my actual father and the Fraternity lied to me. The Loom of Destiny apparently wanted Morgan Freeman killed, but he didn’t want to die so he started making up names to kill instead. (My father also very creepily lived right next door to me my whole life but never met me in person, like a stalker). My father knew about Morgan Freeman’s lying, and then I decide to get revenge and take down the Fraternity. To do this, I drive a garbage truck into their complex and unleash millions of rats covered in peanut butter who explode and kill lots of people.

Then Morgan Freeman says that actually all the Fraternity members should have been killed, so Angelina Jolie kills all the assassins with one bullet, and this same bullet then kills her after she throws her gun to me. Then Morgan Freeman tries to sneak up on me but I’m too smart and I set up a trap and killed him.

The End.

This synopsis probably sounds like a really good plot, but don’t be fooled. Awful awful awful!

I'm not sure whether to be embracing the new year or whether I should in fact be petrified.

Watching the countdown last night, it was as if time slowed down. What normally should be a cheery countdown turned into a mental death knell--the last 10 seconds of 2008 building up a worried anticipation about 2009. The 12 bell tolls eminating from Big Ben were a gloomy harbinger of all I have to accomplish this year.

This is such a contrast to the way I opened 2008--for the first time in a long time I felt mentally optimistic about my work and mental development. This year has definitely been a year of trying, I can say that at least. I have pushed and pushed to make progression, and I have definitely accomplished some things which needed to be done. Perhaps I've acoomplished more in my work than in my mind--but then again its always easier to see physical results than feel as if you've surpassed a psychological barrier. However, there is a lot more to think about and a long way to go before I can say I'm truly content. Part of me thinks I'll never be content, part of me never wants to be. 'Settling' is just a euphamism for giving up.

What do I want to accomplish this year? Well, its not such a trifling question, I actually HAVE to finish my research and submit my thesis. This is a financial necessity. Then I need to look for jobs. Then I'll probably end up moving 5,000 miles and uprooting my fairly comfy existence in London (this will not be all bad, as I am rather sick of living in this city environment).

What I should also be working towards is focusing on myself. I tend to get so wrapped up in work that nothing else matters except food and sleep (and maybe gym to destress from work). But this is not the best way to foster mental contentment, and I am taking more time to just sit and think and reflect. The people around you are always affected by your mentality, whether you choose to notice it or not--and its not good for you either. I have identified many things which will help me grow, but the issue for me is putting the time aside and not worring about the work that I could be doing.

Enough enigmatic ranting from me, I'm off to eat breakfast (anything but cheese...I must have ate a kilo of raclett last night...)

I should update this journal more. Yes, I believe I will soon bequeath a large update to my theoretical readers. Although I highly doubt that anyone reads this. Oh well, Facebook is the new Livejournal, like brown is the new black.

So first off let me say that yes, I have seen Mr. Harry Potter aka Daniel Radcliffe in the buff. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or if it scarred me for life. Regardless, I found the Equus storyline intriguing, albeit a bit philosophical and heavy on some of the monologues, but it was a good night out nonetheless. We also had our flatwarming last Saturday which is worth a mention...pics are up on Facebook. I was the bar master, making very yummy cocktails for everyone. I think we got through about 5 bottles of spirits. We bought the spirits and then everyone else brought us wine...so now all my nice vodka is gone and Tom and I are left with about 15 bottles of wine to drink!!! We somehow got everyone out by 11, and then a small group of us ended up at Cheers (figures), even though I had every intention of us going to Bar Rumba!

I don't know what to say about work this week. By all accounts I should be very frustrated. Tuesday night I was supposed to e-mail my literature review to my panel, only to discover that I had actually saved it on my DESKTOP at the museum instead of my memory sick. Greeaaaaaat. I had planned to sleep in on Wednesday because was up at London Zoo with my other supervisor, but instead I had to get up at 6:30, trek allllllll the way to South Kensington at 7 to e-mail that one bloody file out to my panel, an then trek alllllllll the way up to Camden Town to go to the Zoo and do my molecular work all day. I was supposed to be tutoring that night at 6, but I finished early at the zoo and didn't feel like going home (else I'd get lazy) so I went to Anita's for a few hours beforehand. I get to the house where I'm supposed to be tutoring, and apparently the mother only wanted an initial meeting so I could look at the 9 year old kid's science books. I don't NEED to look at them, because it is composed of material like "what are animals with backbones called". So that annoyed me because I was only there for like 20 mins, I didn't get paid for it, and I could have gone home at like 3PM and had a nice evening in instead of waiting around for half the afternoon. Grr. And then this morning, I was supposed to be tutoring, but that got cancelled (again, I lose out on money), and then I go allllllll the way to South Kensington because I was supposed to have a meeting with my two supervisors, only to find out that the meeting was actually cancelled. Greeaaaaaaaaaat. So then this morning again I had to trek alllllllll the way up to the Zoo from the Museum and get another late start on my work. And to top it off, I've found out that my main supervisor is out on sick leave for a month--and we're going to New Hampshire in less than that and haven't planned anything. And it rained today.

I'm not frustrated as in "I hate life" frustrated this week, but I just feel like I've been working my ass off and getting very little in return. No PhD progress because I've been traipsing around everywhere on public transport, and not making any money because my tutoring has been crappy this week. And my phone is playing up on me and keeps telling me that appaently there is no service anywhere in central London. Nate is visiting Anita this week and Tom is at the Zoo doing his project this week, so additionally I have no one to distract me from the frustration. I guess I will be glad when tomorrow is over. Everything just seems blah; I need to have some fun. All I feel I'm doing with my evenings is watch TV and its just numbing my mind. I've been in the mood to read books lately but I lack approprate titles and all I have is heavy political nonfiction at the moment--hardly appropriate when you're tired and just want a relaxing read. Also, I find when things are blah in general you lack motivation to get up and do things that are exciting and mind-challenging.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it's Friday, and I hope it won't rain.

In a few short hours, I will be seeing Harry Potter naked. Yes, even though he is only 17, Daniel Radcliffe is baring all onstage and I will be in the audience wih my eyes glued open. I could try and argue that I'm for the artistic integrity of the play and my love of the theatre, but who are we kidding? Its me. I just want the nudity.

Ah, well its been a busy few weeks! My labwork is in full swing at the moment, and it is also crunch time for me to finish off my literature review for my panel meeting on May 15th. I think it is more than halfway done, but I suspect I'll have to go into some other areas of discussion which I haven't anticipated (as always happens). So I'll estimate about halfway done. Grrr, haven't got as much done this weekend as I'd hoped...after a full weekend of working last weekend I didn't want to do that again this weekend even though its what I should be doing...

I've actually had quite an enjoyable week, mostly to myself as it happens. Tom has been doing his project every night this week, and going home in between, and everyone else is either similarly busy or not around. After working on the microscope all day, my eyes aren't up for coming home and reading or staring at the computer screen all night (even though that's what I should be doing...). Mainly I've been going for walks, as its sunny until about 8PM now! And it has indeed been nice and sunny and warm! Otherwise, I've invested in some new wardrobe pieces and I couldn't resist a pair of black heels... Why do I always find nice things when I'm just leisurely browsing?

Tomorrow is the London marathon, so Tom and are going out for breakfast and possibly cheering on the runners. Then we'll be off to Columbia road flower market to get some decor for our still sparse flat. I expect feeling guilty about not working around midday and then coming home and attempting to get something done. Next week is going to be especially hectic...I've got a 20 min presentation to give on Monday, I've got 2 different tutoring sessions and I've got a leaving lunch/evening party for one of the girls in my office on Friday, as well as having to reach my goal of taxonomy. It doesn't sound too hectic when I write it all down, stangely, but its all so time consuming and its going to mean early mornings and late evenings if I'm going to get my labwork goal finished as well! Somewhere in between I need to fit in the gym and hopefully getting some writing done.

Ughhh and now I have just eaten too many chips. Off to digest!

Its been far too long. I've neclected writing my thoughts down but now realised that it does actually help me piece my mind together and reflect on past events and future plans. Whoever reads this, let me know so at least I feel I have some purpose in writing this as well! Originally it was meant to be a medium for which to share my life with everyone I know all around, as I'm so awful at sending e-mails and phoning people on a regular basis...

So Tom and I are officially in the new flat now, and things are slowly getting organised. I still don't have enough storage containers for my clothes, and the living room is completely bare save a flatscreen TV (which is propped up on a cardbord box) and a lone beanbag for sitting on. The table will take anothr 10 or so weeks to come in, but hopefully we should have our nice leather sofabed by the end of April. We don't even have a vacuum at the moment, and since we're forced to eat on the floor, all the crumbs are going into the cracks in the wood flooring and its disgusting, ick! Today is the first day we have the internet hooked up so I have spent the past 3 hours solid addicted to my computer. Oh how I miss the internet! I've spent the last few weeks having to make do with only vital e-mails and websites at work, and I've been missing the aimless puttering and time wasting!

My PhD is making progress. I have begun the long road of labwork, which is entirely mindless and unentertaining at the moment. Since I've just started, it will take me a while to get up to speed in training my eyes to find nematodes amongst the detritus, so picking them out of the petri dishes is painfully slow right now. Plus I've got my literature review due at the beginning of May, so its frustrating having to spend all day in the lab doing mindless work when I have so much thinking and writing to do! I'm going to have to take a few days out of the lab and just blitz it if I want to do a good job... I really hate working on weekends (which I've been doing the past few weeks), it streses me out and I need some free time to relax and do non-science things. Plus there's so much to take care of with the flat at the moment--I still need to go shopping to get essentials and I just don't have the time! At least there's internet shopping now, heh heh heh.

Ok, going to go and putter some more before eventually getting to bed. Also, there is rubbish to be taken downstairs!

1. Still don't have my loan through (although I signed the cheque 5 weeks ago and counting...)
2. Still staying in Surrey with Tom's parents, getting up at 6:30AM, and commuting in every day.

Weekends seem to be just as hectic as weekdays--even though I take Saturday and Sunday off from PhD related work, they are usually spent traipsing about London. Saturday is pretty much my only day to go shopping and get bits and bobs I need. Frustratingly, this is what everyone else is doing as well, which means errands take 5 times as long because of massive crowds, queues in changing rooms and tills, and then the ever annoying trend of urgently needed items being consistently out of stock. Seriously, its taken me about 3 weeks to find a cheap stapler under £10 because they're always sold out. On the rare occasions where I somehow finish early, I still don't get anything done I needed because of travel delays or some hassle or another. Today I couldn't do any molecular work in the afternoon so I got out at 1, went to the gym and to Ryman quick to get some stationary, and was on the train home at 3:20. But oh no, that's too easy. Signalling problems left me stuck on the train for over an hour, and then I figured I'd get off when we finally got moving and go back to meet Tom who was at Waterloo station by that time. But then my train BACK one stop to waterloo was delayed and then Tom just wanted to go home because he had work to do instead of my original idea of going to the pub which was why I got OFF my original train in the first place. sigh. So back onto another train and I finally get home at 6:15, 3 hours after I first sat down to go home. All hopes of spending an evening in my room reading journals and drinking tea were dashed. And I won't even get into still not having funds. Its been so long since I had disposable cash that it will be surreal when the loan does go into my account. Hopefully I'll have it by Christmas or else no one has a chance of me even baking them cookies because I'll be so poor.

Social events--Anita's "black tie with a hint of horror" house party was last Saturday, which Tom and I attended. It was good but I got some stressful news during the night that put me off celebrating anything. Tom and I had went to view this fantastic flat in a great location that afternoon that would be short let until early February--perfect in both temporal and spatial aspects. The couple who showed us around were really enthusiastic as well and were speaking to us as if they wanted us to move in, even arranging to meet to sort out putting down the deposit and whatnot. Tom and I were both really excited! Then we get a short text that night (they didn't even have the nerve to call us up and explain properly) about "sorry to you down about the flat, have a good party, it was really difficult". Grr. Just when I thought things might be coming together.

Work actually keeps me going. I'm really enjoying my nematodes. Last week I started on lab training, learning how to decant sandy samples, and then the process of recognizing taxa under the microscope and picking meiofauna. Yesterday and today I had my inaugural days up at the Institute of Zoology near London Zoo doing the trial runs of the molecular work. It was great, I love the IoZ for some reason, and everyone is really friendly! Their tea room is amzaing as well--its restocked with like 5 types of tea and coffee and hot chocolate and it has a large supply of fresh bread and biscuits every day! Yummyyyyyyyyyyy. The things I'm most frustrated with at the moment are everything outside of work. Commuting, getting home so late and eating dinner at a ridiculous hour (often not until 8 or 9PM, when I go to bed at like 10:30), being constantly rushed and stressed in the morning about making the train on time, not being able to expand my social network because I'm so isolated living in Surrey as well as missing out on any spontaneous activities, not having any money, not having my own space, not being able to get myself from A to B without being driven or working around everyone else's schedule... I NEED Yoga. I'm far too angry about everything these days, and it just simmers below the surface until something trivial really pisses me off... This is probably the first time in my life where I've felt truly unlucky, like the whole world and all the forces have specifically turned against me to make life as hard as possible. Simple things turn into mammoth undertakings, and complex tasks almost seem not worth the hassle. I think about it and I ask--Is this a test? A measure of my true character? Am I supposed to be learning a lesson the hard way, or am I being punished for something I've done? I feel guilty for being so self-pitying all the time, I feel like there are bigger problems in the world that I could be contributing my energy to; but at the moment, I'm barely managing to hold myself together, nevermind having the mental nor physical ability to be diffusive. Should I be proactive and take control of my fate, or just continue to sit and wait as I have done for so very long? I WANT to be proactive, it is my nature, but many of my current frustrations are simply beyond my realm of influence. I try, I pester, I phone, I e-mail, I do the research but nothing comes to fruition. All I can do at the moment is work work work and at least enjoy that aspect of my days...